The Best Question You've Never Asked Yourself
Ten inspiring little words that will get you thinking
At the height of her career, Cher’s mother told her, “I wish you’d settle down and marry a rich man.”
Aghast, Cher said, “Mom, I am a rich man!”
And by all standards, she was. Despite her success — the albums, the tours, the movies, the money — Cher’s mother couldn’t get past her own desires. Yet Cher clearly had her own designs.
Just like Cher, your desires are yours. They are different desires than your parents, siblings, friends, teachers, and co-workers. They are different from what the people in your social media feed want. They differ from what the latest and greatest “influencers” tell you.
But how do you know what you want is actually what you want?
I don’t have an answer for you.
But I have the ten right words to ask:
What do you want, and what do you want more?
What You Want Vs. What Someone Else Wants For You
The only way to find out what you want more is to dig deep. Dig deeper than what’s being sold to you. Dig deeper than what your parents have in mind for you. Dig deeper than what your surface-level self wants for you.
It’s up to you to determine what you truly, madly, deeply want. Only then will it be possible for you to do the work towards reaching it.
Why More Is Better Than Less For Once
If I asked you what you wanted, you’d likely give me a common, top-of-mind answer.
That’s not enough here.
You have many wants that range from critical to nice-to-have wants to I-don’t-care-either-way-but-it-seems-cool wants.
You need to ask yourself what you want more. Because the truth is, you might not know what you, my dear reader, want. Or you have outdated ideas of what you want (been there). Or you’ve been told to want something and fell for it (done that).
We’ve all been in one of these three positions. Maybe even all three at once.
But asking yourself what you want more will change your life because it forces you to go deeper.
And nothing is more powerful in our modern, shallow world than going deeper.
This Question Slows Your Thinking Down
When you take the time to think about what you want, you’re giving yourself space. This takes time. It could come in a lightning strike, but it’s unlikely. And even then, you'll miss it unless you’re paying attention, aka giving yourself time.
When you slow your thoughts down, you gain clarity. Your mind often races a million miles a minute, which is exhausting. Let it slow down for a bit and see what comes up.
Derek Sivers had a phenomenal answer to an age-old question.
On the Tim Ferriss Show in 2015, Tim asked Derek, “When you think of the word ‘successful,’ who’s the first person who comes to mind and why?”
And Derek’s natural instinct was what yours or mine would be: say the first name that pops up. But Derek, being the slow thinker that he is, allowed himself to slow down and go deeper. It took just a few moments before he gave this winning answer:
Derek Sivers:
The first answer to any question isn’t much fun, because it’s just automatic. “What the first painting that comes to mind: Mona Lisa. Genius: Einstein. Composer: Mozart.”
…I’m really into the slower thinking. Breaking my automatic responses to the things in my life, and slowly thinking through a more deliberate response instead. Then, for the things in life where an automatic response is useful, creating a new one consciously.
So what if you asked, “When you think of the word successful, who’s the third person who comes to mind, and why are they actually more successful than the first person that came to mind?”
In that case: first would be Richard Branson, because that’s like the stereotype — the Mona Lisa. And honestly, you might be my 2nd answer, but we can talk about that later.
My third and real answer is we can’t know, without knowing their aims.
“We can’t know without knowing their aims.”
How thought-provoking is that? There’s the obvious answer. But then there’s the real answer. And the real answer is always more interesting.
So go find your third and real answer. Discover what your true aims are.
A Reminder
Your wants are yours. There are no wrong answers as long as you’re not hurting anyone.
Human desire is a funny thing. For all our similarities, there are radical differences in personal taste. It’s amazing if you think about it.
And I hope you do think about it. Ask yourself what do you want and what do you want more. I guarantee you’ll find something worth learning about yourself.
As Aristotle said, knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.